George Ade

People You Know George Ade

Once there was an Indian who had a Way of putting on all his Feathers and breaking out of theReservation. For three Weeks at a Stretch he gave a Correct Imitation of the Shining Light who passes the Basketand superintends the Repairs on the Parsonage. He was entitled to a Mark of 100 for Deportment. With his Meals he drank a little Polly. After Dinner he smoked one Perfecto and then, when he hadput in a frolicsome Hour or so with the North American Review, he crawled into the Hay at 9.30P. M. At last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that was hard to carry around. He was proud of himselfwhen he counted up the number of days during which he had stuck to the Straight and Narrow. Itseemed to him that he deserved a Reward. So he decided to buy himself a little Present, somethingcosting about 15 cents. He picked out a First-Class Place where they had Electric Fans and Picturesby the Old Masters. He poured out a Working-man's Size-the kind that makes the Barkeep stopwiping up and look unfriendly for a Moment or two. Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gently raised the Index Finger andgave the Prescription Clerk a Look, which in the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose."It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water Wagon he always lands in aCrowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light Effects and the Red Fire were all ready to make it aSpectacular Affair. Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worrying about theWinter's Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of Thirst. Then the atmosphere began tobe curdled with High Balls and Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a ShoeDrummer that a lot of People who had been knocking him would probably be working for himbefore the Year was out. Then he found himself in a four-oared Cablet and the Sea became very Rough. There wassomething out of Whack with the Steering Gear, for instead of bringing up at his Boarding Househe found himself at another Rum Parlor. The Man who owned the Place had lost the Key and couldnot lock up. Here he met several Delegates to a State Convention of a Fraternal Order having for itsPurpose the uplifting of Mankind. They wore Blue Badges and were fighting to get their Money intothe Cash Register.