Matthew Wolfe

The Future's So Bright, My Third Eye Needs Shade Matthew Wolfe

THIS BOOK contains jokes, one-liners, short stories, anecdotes, poems, and some indescribable bits of verbiage that I, and several of my personalities, think are funny. A WOLFEMAN'S SAMPLER! "Life is like a book of humor": I crossed my eyes, and now they're pouting at me. *** My lawyer: The truth will set you free. Me: You should have gone to a better law school. *** The worst thing about living alone? There's never anyone around to pull my finger. *** I know a mystic from New England. Her inner light is a Yankee Candle. *** My upstairs neighbors have a Roomba Vacuum Cleaner. So I got a big magnet and a stepladder. Now when they're at work, I make crop circles in their carpet *** . Small minds are never blown away. They just pop like bubble wrap. *** Ex-girlfriend: You're so stubborn that if you pissed in the river, it'd flow upstream. *** When I grow up, I want to be a euphemism writer for the Pentagon. *** This book is as useful as a heart monitor in a morgue.